hido loves tetchan. hido so very loves tetchan.

I'd been surprised to recieve a cd-shaped thingy in the mail- from conny, a recently-made penpal. turned out it was a rom containing video clips. (hido touched) There's a bundle... Raphael, Puraturi, Pierrot, Baroque, Due le Quartz... some funny names hido's never heard of... But then hido hasn't been in the scene for like god knows how long...

(hido wansta cry.) Of the bands there, hido likes Pierrot best. Not because Aiji used to be a pierrot fan and keeps talking pierrot yaoi, but because the song doesn't have a funny voice and doesn't sound too psychotic. But I must admit, Miyavi is really pretty-> hido likes Miyavi's image in Girls something ambitious (?)...

Just watched the second bit of GCT. It was... touching. Mindblowing? I dunno. First there was some Shinshoku... (hido can't remember track list for nuts) The music seeped in first. I remembered how much I liked the songs from 99. Those were the days, and those were the songs-- those were how bright they shone, and how deep their songs drill into the soul.

And then, hido continued watching... Tetchan's beautiful form. It's not as beautiful as hido remembers it to be, but is even more charming than ever. It's so much more lively than TETSU69's solo- tetchan seemed too self-conscious in that. 

Aiji said she felt like crying when she watched 15 half. so did hido. It is really such a gentle song, and so beautiful- and the imagery that tetchan uses in the video, hido kinda knows. The helmet, the rock star... 

But really, GCT is great. GCT is L'Arc. solo isn't...

I think I forgot (and my, I must sound schizo here) about L'Arc. It seems quite a while since they last came out... Since REALive, when Yuemin was in my house watching the crappy realplayer that freezes for a couple of minutes before the image changes, but the feeling was so great. Coexisting with them, living as one with them. It has been a long time since hido has known what live is... Going on the internet for radio, hido has never done that, probably never will. Especially since she doesn't have intenet now. And hido almost never watches videos. Only once or twice, then hido embeds the memory deep inside.

When Hyde and Tetchan came together, sang at the mike but didn't get too close, and then the gesture-- they walk towards the front-- it seemed like they were proclaiming, "This is the L'Arc~en~Ciel that we started out with, and we hereby present it to you." 

Hyde and Tetsu... Back when it was just a fantasy, not a religion. That feeling at that time had been great, too. I'd lived, and I was happy with them. Now, it just seems truncated. The memory of them, the memory of my feelings for them... It's all truncated.

No longer will I remember correctly how it was to trudge up to school for the 20 minute walk listening to Heavenly, or Pieces. Waiting for my ex-crush number 11, crying because I hardly saw him anymore, waiting at the basketball court. It's all over, the innocence, the youth. That ardent youth when I first emerged, joining everyone I met, hoping for acceptance and somehow not fitting in. There was a delusion, see, that I fitted in. And there were great people. People whom I would rather forget, would rather allow them to fade away into a past that is black and white.

I had lots of time then. Now I don't. I could play Chronicle (pirated version, since it was the only thing I could get my hands on, even now) on TV Saturday and Sunday a couple times straight, pretend to sing karaoke. Go karaoke with friends, sing Pieces n times in a row.

Now I can't. And I've almost forgotten. 

But the past is still the past. Reliving it... Reliving the live that is captured on screen, that I know I'll never be a part of even in the future, I remember my wish that is to at least be at a live where tetsu is. 

TETSU IN WINTER>

hido wants to see tetsu in winter. And then hido will successfully forget tetsu, but this dream is so hard to fulfil... Those who can afford to go japan and get concert tickets are lucky sods. Aiji said she met Gackt last she went to Japan, J the time before (that was... last last year, when J had a thingy at Towers, and they happened to be in the district). I consider her a lucky sod. 

Then again, I'd seen Lacryma... Up close, too. And still my wish is not gratified. I never wanted to see anyone but Tetsu, never will. Baroque (whom I never thought would come), and yet, I don't care. All I wanted to see was Tetchan. The tetchan whom I loved and still love, the beautiful soul that suddenly, on impulse, shouted minna genki (and that phrase is a memory I share with the old Yuemin, whom I miss), and whose gestures seem so much like a little boy's. Hyde bounding up to the drumset, Yukki smiles up in surprise. Hyde and Tetchan in front of the drumset, presenting L'Arc~en~Ciel to us. A girl-like Ken, flaunting his shaved legs, acting so funny in front of the camera (reacting to Tetchan's antics).

I miss everyone. I so miss them. I miss Jess, I miss Jara, I miss the old Yuemin. The Yukki-fan Yuemin. When we were still all young and had lots of time together, when we still had dreams, when we still could talk to each other. Now I barely see anyone, and I haven't recieved their mail in ages. Once in a while they'd send a mail back, but now nothing. I tried mailing them, but mostly to no avail. Is this what it's come to? Jaded and lonely- this is what growing up is. And I never asked to grow up, never.

And I miss the old L'arc, too. The L'Arc who somehow vanished from my heart the moment Hyde went solo. Or maybe, right after REAL. hido didn't care if they released and rerelease another best, it didn't matter. But how, tell me, do you love a band which is shattered all over the place? I could only follow the brighest star-- tetchan. And he has had to grow, too, at a time. Maybe June 2001 (or is it 2002? hido can no longer remember.)

The drums, the cross, the barbed wire necklace (hido swears she knows how hyde feels when wearing that necklace, ever since the saturday after V-day, when in the train, hido realised that she was doomed to forever be a thorn.), the beautiful smile, those large Tetchan shoes which seem to have disappeared forever (or hido just hasn't really noticed), hyde's ethnic clothing (hido has a penchant for ethnic stuff, unless they're from Africa), those leather wings... These hido has long forgotten. Yukki's smile as he plays the drums. What has happened, now? hido no longer remembered that smile, that jump... no longer remembered tetchan's minna genki (when she stood there at HMV watching it for so long)...

When they played Pieces, I was so touched. Tetchan's voice, echoing Hyde's, seemed to be a sparrows. And so I was reminded of Ibara no Namida... And so I was reminded of how easy it was to be charmed by hyde and tetsu-- not because of corruption, but because of something purer-- that is the love and the subject worthy of love.

It was a beautiful piece. So gentle... How could I ever forget that gentility? It isn't just Tetchan's gentility, it was(is?) hyde's as well. It's so beautiful, it really does remind me of a person... that person is Prada. I'd claim and introduce him as my crush, and indeed, he is really such a great person. That gentility that played in Pieces just reminded me of how his silence could make me almost cry... His silence and those little utterances that showed how much he cared, those intelligent eyes... They spelt such gentility that even a mother couldn't muster. Yet I had to turn away, like a prodigal son, because it's time to grow. 

It's so painful, growing up. I'm lost, and still I don't know where to go. Back then it didn't matter. What mattered was when the next fic came out, bullshitting with Jaramama, all sorts of stuff. And still, now, hido is a prodigal child, wandering about, crying whenever she sees an echo of the past.

Of course, it's wishful thinking. hyde wore the devil's wings at shout at the devil and crashed the cross-- hido knows why. It's because the true devil whom Hyde was shouting at wasn't really the conventional one. The true devil created everything as it now is, and then, made us grow up, led us through the maze and made us lose our way.

Whoever is left here, whom I loved in my memory such as the 99 L'Arc, listen to my call. Maybe no one will recognise me ever again, but... Still, I have made my attempt.

"I'm reaching through the noise/across the dusk of time/within the lilting lies/i am singing out to you" 

Goodnight.