Parts1-3 are archived at Just A Jumble of Words.
Adult's Promise 4/9
Written & Translated
entirely by hidoko Matsumoto.
27 Feb Thurs 2002, 8:36PM
The can of Dr Pepper
fell onto the floor as Hyde burst out, "Oi! Let me out!"
Ken's voice resounded,
"Sorry, sir... This is an order."
"Fuck, if Dad told
you to commit suicide, would you commit suicide?" Hyde thrashed at the
heavy oak door. He stopped as he grew exhausted, "If you don't let me out,
I'll go crazy! Oi, you hear me!?"
"Sorry..."
"Fuck, you're so
fucking useless..."
Silence. Hyde suddenly
had a great idea. "I'll commit suicide!"
Within a second,
Gackt rushed into the room. Just as Hyde was about to kick his father in
the nether region, Ken had already grabbed hold of him.
"You bloody traitor!"
Hyde struggled.
"Tell me, what do
you want?" Gackt stared at Hyde coldly.
"I want to see Tetchan."
"I won't let you
see that kid!"
"Tell me why! I only
like Tetchan, I don't want all those women or girls, I only want Tetchan...!"
Silence. "If I let
you see him, would you agree to inherit the company?"
"So long as you don't
lock me in and let me stay with Tetchan, I will."
Gackt motioned for
Ken to let go of Hyde with a smirk.
***
I am a disgusting
pedophile, I don't mind admitting thus. Yet the fact is that this is impossible--
it's really fucking degrading, like a B-rate romance flick-- Tetchan would
never bear the emotions that only adults have.
Never.
"Brer Sa, it moves!"
Tetchan's smiling face swayed in my field of vision as he hugged the Doraemon
which I'd given him happily. At that point in time, I'd almost thought,
most likely mistakenly, that I had beaten Hyde to number one place in Tetchan's
heart.
I'm rather surprised
at my own naivity at that point in time. I'm an adult, after all.
"Of course it moves,
it's not like those lousy models Hyde gives you. Press this button!"
"Wa! It sings, too!"
He laughed in that cute manner of his. Suddenly I felt like going down
on him. Of course, if I did, Takano would have had a fit.
Yet, after I discovered
the true nature of his relationship with Hyde, I realised that I'd been
too naive. It is not innocence-- not like that of a child's-- rather, it
is that kind of naivity that only an adult would bear towards children.
In other words, I refrained from kissing him because he was a child; it
is equivalent to another form of sanctity.
Once, after I was
done with another successful job, I brought him out on a "date" while Takano
was working at the restaurant. Of course, it was fat hope on my part. I
took him out on a shopping spree; he had, rather tactlessly, dumped a whole
bunch of stuff in my direction; I thus drilled a hole in my wallet. It
wasn't as if I'd minded, since I had too much money on my part. I had been
slightly worried about attracting unwanted attention due to the nature
of my job, but that was forgotten as we carried bundles of stuff home.
It went like this:
1) Tetchan carried heavy bundles. 2) I helped him carry them, so he had
nothing on his hands. 3) Having nothing on his hands, Tetchan bought lots
more mechandise.
After much adieu,
the two of us returned home for dinner.
"Aren't we waiting
for Brer Takano?"
"Who gives a shit
about him, I'm hungry!" I replied, dragging him out of the house.
He looked very happy
as he ate at the ramen stall.
"Does Brer Sa really
want to be my brother?" He'd suddenly asked when we were strolling our
way home.
"Yeah, I wanna be
your brother." Gazing into his sparkling eyes, I replied softly; I decided
at that moment that this was my promise to him. "I'll take care of you,
Tetchan," Then, rather thoughtlessly, I added, "If you ever tire of Brer
Hyde, you could look for me."
"Brer Hyde... He
hasn't come for me for such a long time." He gazed at me as he asked, "Would
Brer Sa not leave me?"
I nodded, words choked
back in my throat.
"It's a deal, so
Brer Sa can't go back on his words, okay?" He smiled again; children are
so easily satisfied. If he had been an adult, he would have gazed at me
hesitantly, saying, "really," but he wasn't an adult. He is a child, and
the child-like Tetchan is what I like.
Innocent Tetchan.
Of course, "innocent"
is an adjective that only adults would use on children.
We didn't escape
Takano's fury when we returned home that night: "Why didn't you guys fucking
tell me where you went? Morons!"
"Sure, your majesty
my wife."
"Fuck off!" He turned
towards Tetchan, "Did Brer Sa bully you?"
"Yeah," Tetchan grinned,
"He tried to separate us!"
And so, another explosion
erupted. That kid would yet be the death of me! It was only after I watched
Eva with him that I understood why he liked Asuka-- it must be narcissm!
He resembled Asuka in many ways, especially the bit about framing people.
Tetchan grew more
intimate towards me; the 10 cm between us became negligible, and sometimes
he'd even fell asleep rested against my arm. He had been in deep sleep
when I looked down at his juvenile body and got an erection. I went to
my girlfriend's place once a week; she complained that I was getting more
and more brusque. I'd felt guilty about it.
But I suppose that
can't be helped.
What fulfilment I
got from Tetchan were his lack of girlish actions; he'd even put aside
Hyde's toys just to play mine. Once when Takano received some goods from
Hyde, Tetchan put them aside after some time, and kissed the Doraemon that
I gave him with a smile.
"It's just not as
fun as Brer Sa's Doraemon!" He told Takano, and the guy looked at me as
if he'd been bitten by a dog.
"How'd you get him
to glue himself to you like this?" It was Takano's vacation when he popped
this question; the two of us were in the living room while Tetchan was
taking a bath.
"Hmm, just treat
him like a girl, that's about it," I bullshitted.
"So? No matter how
much I try, he's still the same." Takano didn't look too happy.
"Why, jealous? Can't
help it, I, Sakura, am of course so attractive..."
"Shut up, I'm not
jealous!"
Sometimes Takano
was just about as cute as a kid in his rebuttal. But only sometimes.
The only problem
is that Tetchan isn't a girl; he is a boy. No matter how much I love him,
how much I take care of him, and how much he stayed glued to me, he would
never be able to return my love for him because it is a feeling only meant
for women. But it's not his fault.
The turning point
for my perception was Christmas Eve. Because Christmas was meant for girlfriends,
Takano had to go out with his girlfriend for two days in a row. As for
me, I didn't want anybody but my beloved.
"Isn't Christmas
Eve for lovers?" He gazed at me with wide eyes, "You said, you'd replace
Brer Hyde..."
Of course I didn't
understand what he meant, so I bullshitted, "Yeah, of course, Brer Hyde
can't ever be as good as I am, right?"
He lowered his head,
"Brer Hyde always knew what I wanted..."
I panicked; what
was it that I didn't know? What had I not given him? Time, money, toys,
I'd given him all these... What else have I neglected?
He shook his head.
When he lifted his eyes, they were filled with tears. "Brer Sa's just like
Brer Takano... It must be like this, so Brer Sa can never be Brer Hyde..."
I sprung forward
to hold him, not daring to say a word because I had no idea what he wanted.
Yet I knew clearly what it was that I myself desired. It didn't occur to
me that whatever he wanted was the same as whatever I desired. I neglected
the fact that he was really such a special kid; although he'd grown up,
he still chose to be a little prince. So what he wanted could be similar
to what an adult wanted, except in its purer form. Yet, as an adult, I'd
neglected that possibility...
Because I am an adult,
I don't know what kids want...
Adult's Promise 5/9
Written & Translated
entirely by hidoko Matsumoto.
09 Mar Sun 2002, 7:41PM
I fell asleep with
him in my arms. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had kissed
him, and I dare not answer my question; no doubt answers to that kind of
questions will always be pessimistic. Yet this is only an adult's logic;
it doesn't necessarily apply to a child's.
After that incident,
he reappeared with Brer Hyde's toys, and resumed his girlish actions with
them. Although he would still hug Takano, he merely smiled awkwardly at
me and then disappear into his room. Takano felt suspicious about this
matter; although Tetchan didn't frame me, the current Tetchan was in truth
scarier than the Tetchan who liked to frame me.
It was also at that
point in time that a certain nobody came into my life, between me and Tetchan.
That is Brer Hyde.
Tetchan had pounced
onto him without a word as soon as he appeared, and showered all of the
embraces which he used to bestow me unto Hyde. Takano looked like a load
was lifted off his shoulders; little did he know that that load had sunk
to the bottom of my heart.
And so I developed
a competitive attitude towards Hyde. After all, my body was more masculine
than his, and besides, he was shorter than Tetchan; I had confidence in
these matters. Yet coincidentally, my boss came back to Japan at about
the same time; he wanted me to bring him around like a personal tourguide.
I came home pretty
late in that period of time. Usually Tetchan would pounce on me after a
day of loneliness, but this time, when I closed the door and yelled, "I'm
home," I didn't see anyone around. He must have gone out with Hyde. I hadn't
wanted to stay at home alone, so I went out by myself to the nearby ramen
stall. Incidentally, I saw them at the same ramen stall, feeding each other
like a couple.
As soon as Tetchan
saw me, he called, "Brer Sa!" Whereas Hyde's gaze was demeaning.
"You little jerk,
so here you are! Why aren't you feeding him with better food?"
"Really? I think
the ramen here's the best," He grinned.
I didn't really catch
on to his hidden meaning; instead, I simply thought, he probably hasn't
dined at anywhere else. "Tetchan's never been anywhere else, right?"
"...Maybe!" He stared
at me.
"Well, you can't
ask me to have cup noodles, right?" Hyde began, "It's just as well that
you're here; we were going to order another bowl, but we didn't know whether
we could finish it, so why don't you help?"
"Do I look like a
rubbish bin?"
"That's not important;
what's important is that the garbage bag is black," He replied.
Tetchan laughed adorably;
I regretted wearing black.
"Nah, I can afford
half a bowl of noodles." And so I ordered noodles with pork ribs. They
had another bowl of the same thing; I was freaked out by their appetite.
Usually Tetchan's appetite was scary enough; the two of them added up together
could polish off a stack of bowls taller than either of them.
"Ah, I'm full~" After
he was done, Tetchan stretched, satisfied, and patted his unnaturally flat
stomach.
"You're such a freak;
why aren't you fat even after eating so much?"
"Who says I ate so
much? Brer Hyde ate more than I did," With that, Tetchan smiled at Hyde.
Similarly, Hyde seemed
to gain happiness from merely gazing at Tetchan. "Eh? Me? I didn't eat
so much today, and besides, the portion's smaller than in the US. Look,
it's all soup, too."
"I wonder how somebody
can eat so much and still stay so short. What a waste of nutrition." Although
I wasn't very satisfied with my height, at least I win that kid.
"Oh, gluttony is
a virtue!" That blasted Hyde wrapped an arm around Tetchan's shoulder,
and Tetchan happily rested in Hyde's embrace. I felt like beating that
smug face; the only thing that stopped me was the fact that people would
think I'm bullying the tiny.
When we were done,
hyde paid with cash; I decided not to fight with him. I could be generous
to anyone but not him; I suppose that was a sort of hopeless struggle.
I remember what Tetchan
once said, "Brer Hyde knows what I want..."
I only understood
what he meant after I saw Hyde. Hyde's got that kind of child-like demeanour,
just like Asuka. And me, I was an adult...
***
After that kid appeared,
the market suddenly became flooded with tarepanda products. I immediately
became the brunt of their jokes; and so, on 0214, I bought a one-meter-long
stuffed tarepanda for Tetchan. Tetchan kissed it in front of the three
of us, and glanced happily at me, while Hyde's eyes were blazing with anger.
Takano seemed to
notice the whole ordeal; he said, slightly perturbed, "Why don't you two
get along? Hyde's a good person, and Tetchan's so happy, so it's all great,
isn't it?"
And yet I wasn't
the sort who would be content with merely Tetchan's happiness. I answered,
"That kid's just trying to compete with Tetchan in a cuteness contest."
"Really? I think
he really dotes on Tetchan."
That was what really
got me fuming. When the three of us went out on an outing, Hyde wrapped
his arm around Tetchan's waist. He made Tetchan wear flat-soles, while
he wore high heels, so that he was slightly taller than Tetchan. It occured
to me that it must have been really convenient for them to do the sixty-nine
position, and so I was jealous for a few days. Later, I got over it, and
decided to return to my girlfriend; she was rather displeased with me,
although under my "persuasion" she forgave me.
Sometimes when I
came home, I would sneak into Tetchan's room to watch him sleep. His sleeping
position was adorable; he curled up into a ball, like a kitten. Yet this
time, late at night, when I went in, I saw a flash of skin, heard a cry,
and then the covers flipped. Then nothing.
"Don't you think
that just because he's a kid he's got no privacy..."
Later, Hyde and I
held a meeting in the living room.
"You're a disgusting
pedophile, no wonder you're so bloody short. It's retribution, I say."
He snorted, "I assure
you that you'll never win me. Nobody else can be as gentle as I am to Tetchan.
Also, unless it is somebody whom he wants, nobody can get him. It so happens
that I'm the person whom he wants."
"Fuck, you're bloody
obnoxious. And to think that you're living in my house."
He smirked, "I can
move, and bring Tetchan with me."
"..."
"Although it's better
to torture you."
"..."
"I like Tetchan,
there's no room for a third party to intrude on us. Who do you think you
are? Heh, heh, heh..."
In the end, Hyde
was wrong. It is true that nobody could get Tetchan unless Tetchan wanted
him, and yet, I was beginning to understand what Tetchan meant by "Brer
Hyde knows what I want." Because I am not innocent, unlike Takano; I am
a bloody pedophile, therefore, I might be someone whom Tetchan wants to
get.
I'm just about as
disgusting as Hyde is, I suppose.
He said that he could
bring Tetchan away, but I didn't want Tetchan to part with me. For the
sake of Takano's, and for mine. I couldn't imagine what days without sunshine
were like.
And so I watched
as that evil bastard act like he owns Tetchan without saying a word. I
resumed buying and selling stocks and having sex with my girlfriend. I
no longer had time to compete with Hyde, and, materially, I couldn't give
Tetchan much satisfaction, although I still felt like I was actually the
important person in Tetchan's heart whenever I saw Tetchan kiss "Saku-tarepanda".
Yet this is merely a delusion; as usual, he hugged Hyde's model, and he
hugged Hyde as he went to sleep. Although I tried not to barge in whenever
the door was close, sometimes I took the liberty to steal a peep.
I never did see anything
noteworthy after that.
And I also discovered
that I was starting to be schizophrenic...
The core of being
with Tetchan 24/7 is now Hyde's, and yet, I still feel extremely worn out.
Later, the boss called
me to his office, to introduce me to his sole inheritor. Upon stepping
into the boss' office, I stopped short.
The boss's son was
actually-- Hyde!
Adult's Promise 6/9
Written & Translated
entirely by hidoko Matsumoto.
20 Mar Thurs 2003 1:15PM
"What the-- Dad, you
actually want me to listen to this guy?" This was Hyde's reply.
"You've met before?"
The boss replied in surprise.
I didn't want to
explain our relationship, "Ah, we met each other through a kid; he's currently
renting a room from me..."
"Renting a room?"
"Yes," I replied
humbly.
"That kid..."
"His elder brother
is my trusted subordinate, so I rented the room to them," Half of this
is true; Hyde wouldn't be able to say anything against it.
"Really..." The light
reflected in the boss's eyes was cold. He instructed Hyde to leave, and
when it was still, he invited me to sit down and asked, "Is that kid Ogawa
Tetsuya?"
I was slightly surprised
that he'd know Ogawa Tetsuya, but taking into considerations that Camui
Gackt is Hyde's father, he would have definitely known Tetchan's mom. "Yes...
Yes."
"That kid is dangerous,"
The boss said coolly, "Name any price. I want you to eradicate him."
Once again I was
shocked. He wants me to kill Tetchan-- that is impossible! I didn't answer,
so he signed a million yen's worth of cheque, and passed it to me. "This
isn't all... Once you're done with it, I'll give you more."
If I told him I could
definitely keep Tetchan away from Hyde, I probably wouldn't have to kill
him, but I didn't. I merely nodded and left in a stupor.
"If I have to listen
to some stupid panda, I'd rather kill myself!"
If Hyde died, then
Tetchan wouldn't be in danger. But, I can't kill anyone. I am an adult,
which is why I am familiar with conscience; this has nothing to do with
my feelings for either Hyde or Tetchan. I can ruin the economy, but I cannot
hurt anyone directly.
When I was on the
verge of despair, Tetchan's smile appeared in front of me. I hugged him
on impulse and held him for quite some time, Hyde's protests blurring in
my ears.
***
What concerns killing
Tetchan isn't money alone; it is my entire career. I've done too many evil
deeds in my life, which is why I need the boss as my support. Without him,
I could be sued, and being sentenced to prison would merely be a matter
of time.
Maybe there would
still be some hope if I told Hyde about it. And yet this situation arose
because of him. Besides, there's mutual distrust between us. At the stock
market, he defied me, so I told Takano to take care of him. Meanwhile,
I rested for a while to clear my thoughts. When I returned home, I saw
him, and he-- he was always so innocent!
Because Hyde and
Takano weren't around, Tetchan was mostly mine. We heard that Osaka has
a park, so we went there after a few hours of shinkansen. Near the park
was a beautiful display, named "Hikari no Kiseki"-- "The Miracle of Light",
beneath the structure of lights was a tiny fountain. In that light, his
face was extremely pale, almost like an angel's; I felt like cryig then.
I've heard that light
isn't matter; everybody has some sort of theory, but nobody knows the truth.
It is energy; energy is what controls matter. In the miracle of light,
I felt a sudden urge to bring him far away to a place that nobody knows
of. Yet I dismissed the idea; the two of us found a high class hotel near
osakajo park.
I asked him how many
nights he wanted to stay. He replied with a laugh, "For the rest of my
life!"
"Really? Then you'll
have to be with me for the rest of your life!"
"If it's Brer Sa,
I don't mind," He replied happily.
In the end we booked
the room for two nights. From the room, we could see the view of an entire
osakajo park.
At night, when I
watched him sleep, I actually cried. I wanted to hold him, but I was afraid
that I wouldn't be able to control myself; I couldn't imagine what his
expression was like when Hyde held him. How could he smile so innocently
when making love to Hyde?
The next day we went
shopping. There was a Mac Donald's nearby, so we went there to eat.
"In Osaka it's a
must to buy dolls and bows."
"Tetchan has too
many models. Bows would be better."
"But, the dolls are
really pretty," His expression almost sparkled.
And so we took the
train to streets where they sold dolls; it was an old street. He said cheerfully,
"I haven't seen these toys for so long."
I watched him as
he picked up those cheap toys in tiny ancient stores, and began to understand
what his childhood was like.
"Tetchan came to
Osaka before?"
"Me, I was born here,"
He replied cheerfully.
And Takano was a
Tokyo dweller; this is an important fact. Although, Tetchan didn't want
to buy those toys.
"Because I've got
Saku-panda, it looks like a bun that I can eat for the rest of my life,"
He chuckled.
"All you care about
is food." It seems like anybody can buy his love with food.
We didn't buy any
dolls either; I had no interest in traditional dolls. We played pachinko
and went shopping. At night, we wound up at "The Miracle of Light" again.
That day there were
more people because it was Friday. The two of us stood there, and somebody
waved a fistful of thousand yen bills at him.
"Cute little miss~"
"--?" Tetchan froze,
and that guy almost molested him.
"He's a boy, you
disgusting pervert!" I almost hit him. That stranger saw me and immediately
apologised; I pulled Tetchan away.
"Aaah, do I look
like a girl?"
"That's not the point!"
I felt rather incredulous at his "innocence", "He thought you're a whore!"
"Aa, Brer Sa cares
so much for me..." He smiled.
"...Idiot." Suddenly
I realised that my arm is wrapped around his shoulder, like a lover. Although
I was shocked, I preferred to remain that way. We walked on like that.
I didn't give a shit although some passerbys stared at me. Even if it's
just for a while, we're lovers... I love him...
"Brer Sa..."
"Yeah?" We stood
on the bridge, watching the river and the twinkling lights. The darkness
seemed so much like despair compared to the glamour of "The Miracle of
Light".
"Don't tell me...
Brer Sa... Don't you already know what I want?"
"I could only hope
my guess isn't wrong," I shifted and took him into my embrace; the two
of us faced the river.
Twinkling and twinkling...
The shadow, compared
to the waves of light on the river, seemed like despair; even though it
was spring, the river seemed so deep and so cold.
I began to kiss his
earlobes from behind; he moaned adorably, his body melting in my embrace.
"Did Tetchan use any perfume...?" I asked softly.
"I didn't bring any..."
So he didn't.
Is this the smell
of skin? That's a boy's smell... I don't dislike it.
We stood there for
a long time, ignoring the passer-bys, watching the waves of despair. He
turned around, clear eyes gazing at me, almost as if he was saying, "love
me." I kissed him; the two of us melted through the cotton clothes...
When I had sex with
my girlfriend, I was thinking of somebody else's smiling face.
That night, in front
of the large glass panes, both of his arms wrapped around my neck; his
eyes spoke of total reliance. I thought of him, and there was only him--
he was everything.
That night, I went
insane. I loved him like a mad person, kissed him, caressed him, until
he melted, until he accepted me totally. Those eyes turned our sin into
white; while holding him, despair and hope has become one. There was endless
happiness-- and endless despair.
Adults who have the
minds of children are often deemed mad.
--And me, I went
mad for him.
--Adults and children,
these two parallel lines, they met on coincidence. Because the earth is
round, and because light is a miracle.
To Be Continued... on
next update! (1 April 2003)
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continuation of this fiction is only available at SCAReCrØw.
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